We have some amazing mentors in the Millionaire Money Mentors (MMM) forums.
And a good number of them are even accomplished authors!
I have shared several excerpts from many of these authors/books as follows:
And today we have another excerpt from another MMM author.
Today’s book is A Couple’s Guide to Money by Prudence Zhu.
What an important topic! There are a gazillion reasons for couples to be on the same page financially and this book covers the main ones.
Time and time again the millionaire interviews show us that it takes a team to become wealthy. Both people don’t have to think about money the same way (of course), but they do need to work together on the big issues. And one person can’t be completely off the rails or the whole financial plan is out the window!
That’s why I wanted to introduce ESI Money readers to this book and share the opening chapter with you.
We’ll do that in two parts…covering the first half today and the second half in an upcoming post.
Chapter 1 is titled “Love Is The Foundation” and here’s how the author summarizes it:
Let’s start by rewinding to the heart of your partnership: your connection! Reignite what brought you together, infuse your days with joy and gratitude, and discover why love is the secret sauce for real “money talks.”
Sounds good to me! So let’s get to today’s excerpt…
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John was the first to join my Couples and Money group coaching program. He’s in his early forties and chats with me on Zoom from his home in Calgary. The computer light glows on his glasses, and he looks calm but focused. John has a good job, but there’s a big challenge: every twenty-seven days, he has to travel for work and spend two weeks away from home, leaving his wife and three kids—aged fourteen, nine, and six—behind. Even though his career is going well, his heart feels heavy, burdened by the distance that’s growing between him and his family.
John and I have never met in person. Our conversations have all been online, but even through the digital screen, I can feel his sincerity, his longing for something more. He came to me with two clear goals: to improve his relationship with his family and to get better at managing his finances. He wants to live a better life, one where he has more time to enjoy the things he loves, like spending time with his family, pursuing his passions, and having the freedom to truly enjoy life.
The Spark of Love
As John talks to me, I ask him to share more about his relationship with his wife, who he has known for over two decades. He smiles as he remembers the early days of their relationship, back when everything was exciting and new. When they first met, there was an undeniable spark between them. They would spend hours talking, sharing dreams, and making plans for a future together. Those were the days filled with passion and possibility. But now, with the demands of life, work, and raising children, that spark feels dimmed.
He tells me that over the years, he’s become so focused on providing for his family that he’s unintentionally neglected his emotional connection with his wife. The long weeks away from home have left him with little energy to invest in the relationship that once felt so alive.
As we talk, John expresses his regret. He doesn’t want his children to grow up with the memory of a distant father or a mother who feels alone. He doesn’t want their memories of him to be marked by missed moments or the frustration that often accompanies his absence. “I want my kids to remember me as a present father who’s always there for them, not someone who was always out working,” he says, his voice thick with emotion.
A Wake-up Call: The Christmas Card
The wake-up call came when his youngest daughter made him a Christmas card. As he prepared for another work trip on December 24th, she handed it to him with a simple but powerful message: “Please, Daddy, don’t fight with Mommy anymore. I love you so much, and I want you both to be happy.”
John recalls that moment with a deep sense of guilt. “I drove away that day with the card in my hand, and I cried. I couldn’t believe the impact my absence and our arguments were having on my kids. It was like a punch to the gut.” He tells me how his daughter’s words echoed in his head for days, and how he realized that if he didn’t make a change, he would lose the opportunity to make connections with his family. The thought of his children growing up without seeing the love and partnership between their parents broke his heart.
For John, that card became a symbol of everything he needed to change—a reminder that his family needed him not just as a provider, but as an engaged, loving father and husband.
Commitment to Change
“I need to change for them,” John says. “For my wife and kids. I don’t want them to think of me as someone who wasn’t there or didn’t show enough love. I want to be a better husband, a better father, and a better person.”
As we continue our work together, I help him explore ways to rebuild his connection with his wife, rediscovering the intimacy they once shared. We focus on one small but meaningful step: making time for them to reconnect. Later on, we also discuss his financial plan, which has been pushed to the back burner in the midst of life’s chaos (as it has for many of us). John recognizes that while he’s worked hard to provide for his family, he’s not been proactively planning or visualizing long-term wealth and their future. Together, we discuss how he can handle his money better. This way, he can not only secure his family’s future, but also free up time to enjoy the life he’s worked so hard to build. But first, we need to lay the groundwork for rekindling the spark in his marriage.
The Path Forward
Now John is committed to improving his relationship with his wife, engaging more with his family, and getting better at managing his finances.
Paving the path forward is where I come in, but I don’t jump right in, as the work is first on him to reignite the spark within himself and rebuild the connection with his wife.
At this point in the process, I give him his first homework assignment: a set of small exercises (see the end of this chapter) that he can do with his wife. Then he’ll come back online with the group to discuss what they learned.
Love Is The Foundation
When it comes to family finances, we often think about numbers—budgets, investments, and savings goals. And a lot of times, those numbers can come with judgments, past history, or conflicting priorities. These issues can quickly escalate to clashing values and misunderstandings. It’s becoming a common phenomenon: more than 45% of people admitted privately that they sometimes argue with their significant other about money. And for one in four couples, money is the biggest problem in their relationship, according to the 2024 Couples & Money Study.
This is no surprise since money quantifies your differences, and you have to make a decision one way or another. What if there’s a way to turn things around and switch your communication to start from a jointly shared sentiment: the feeling that first brought you together? Love is the bedrock that holds couples together, and it plays a crucial role in shaping both relationships and financial decisions within a family unit.
Love Fosters Open Communication
The foundation of every strong family is built on trust and communication, and love nurtures both. When family members feel secure in the love and care they give and receive, they are more likely to share openly about their financial concerns, dreams, and aspirations. This transparency helps couples align on their goals, whether that’s saving for a home, sending kids to college, or preparing for retirement. Without open communication, financial decisions can quickly become sources of stress and conflict.
The importance of open communication was brought into sharp focus for me through a story shared by Brandyn Caires, co-founder of Parent Team and my trainer in the collaborative divorce process. To truly understand something, I tend to explore extremes, and relationships are no different. I needed to see both ends of the story. Brandyn shared that many couples, by the time they reach the end of their guided divorce journey, tell her, “If we had known how to communicate like this years ago, we wouldn’t be here today.” This powerful truth highlights just how vital communication is, not only to avoid conflict but to build a stronger, deeper connection from the very start. It’s a reminder that learning to talk openly and listen deeply can transform a relationship long before it reaches a breaking point.
Love Encourages Shared Goals
When family members are united by love, they can approach financial decisions with a shared vision. Love allows couples to compromise and work together towards common financial goals. For example, if one partner is focused on paying off debt while the other wants to invest in real estate, love helps them find common ground and work out a strategy that honors both priorities. In a family where love and mutual respect are present, financial decisions feel less like sacrifices and more like steps toward building a better future together.
Warren Buffett once said, “The most important decision you make is who you marry.” He credits much of his success not just to his financial savvy but to choosing the right life partner. Buffett’s unconventional marriage to his first wife, Susan, meant staying emotionally close even though they lived apart for decades. Later, he welcomed a close friend into his life with Susan’s blessing. This relationship reflects how love and mutual respect can build a strong shared vision. Despite the complexity, Buffett and his partners stayed aligned on their goals, proving that love grounded in trust enables couples to navigate challenges and build a future together. His wisdom reminds us that when love and respect guide your partnership, you create a strong foundation for making decisions together and building a future that reflects both your values and dreams.
Love Drives Long-Term Financial Security
Financial choices aren’t just about today’s wants or quick thrills. They’re about something much deeper. Often, what matters most is resisting the urge for instant rewards so you can build a stronger, more secure future for your loved ones.
When you care for your family, sacrifices like skipping a luxury purchase, paying down debt, setting aside money for your child’s education, or saving for retirement don’t feel like burdens. Instead, they become acts of devotion.
- Every dollar you save or invest is a way of saying, “I want you to be safe and well, not just today, but always.“
- Every sacrifice is powered by the hope that your family can thrive—not just get by.
At its core, making wise financial decisions is less about denying yourself and more about providing room for those you love to flourish. When love is the motivation, every tough choice becomes a step toward a brighter, more abundant future together.
Love Cultivates Financial Creativity
When love guides financial decisions, there’s often greater creativity in the family’s financial approach. Love teaches patience and understanding, allowing couples to adapt as life circumstances change, growing stronger through challenges and adversity. Whether it’s a change in income, a job loss, or an unexpected expense, families driven by love are better able to weather financial storms together. They work together, support one another, and keep the bigger picture in mind, rather than reacting out of fear or frustration. Taking a loving approach makes it easier to brainstorm creative solutions to financial problems and see unique opportunities.
One couple I worked with faced a sudden job loss that cut their household income drastically. Instead of falling into panic or shame, they leaned into their love and commitment. Sitting down with patience and openness, they brainstormed ways to stretch every dollar and tap external resources. They explored ideas like switching to a single car, starting a small side business at home, and temporarily cutting non-essential expenses without sacrificing family time or joy. Through their creativity and mutual support, not only did they survive the tough financial patch but they also discovered new areas for growth. They realized they could thrive on less and recognized the importance of financial preparedness. This adversity became a catalyst for growth, sparking more creativity and building a stronger foundation for the future. Their story shows how love fosters resilience and innovation, helping families face financial challenges united and stay focused on the bigger picture.
The Bottom Line
At its core, love is what allows couples to make thoughtful, balanced, and empowering financial decisions. It creates a space where all voices are heard, where differences are respected, and where everyone is working towards a brighter future. When couples approach financial decisions with love, they build not just wealth but stronger, more resilient relationships. At the end of this chapter, I’ll share an exercise that can help you and your life partner reground your communications in love.
Navigating Personalities and Money
Another amazing couple in my program, Hannah and Matt, both in their late twenties, are navigating a completely different kind of financial and emotional journey. While they’ve only been married for a few years, they’ve already tackled some huge milestones: buying a home, investing in real estate, doing their own renovations, managing an Airbnb, and working hard to advance in their careers. And now, they’re stepping into one of life’s biggest adventures: planning to have a baby! But like many couples, they’re finding that balancing finances and their personal relationship is no easy task.
Matt, a typical guy in the tech industry, is a “straight shooter.” He’s all about getting to the point. No fluff. He isn’t the type to talk much about his feelings or display emotions openly. Instead, he finds comfort and security in a steady, uncomplicated life. His motto: “Spending less is making more.” He’s the type who’ll optimize everything from credit card rewards to coupons, prioritizing practicality and spending wisely.
Meanwhile, Hannah is a bit more adventurous. She loves exploring new experiences, enjoying life, and indulging in some quality moments. The challenge comes because while she craves a little extra spice in life, his reserved, frugal side often leaves her feeling disconnected from his approach.
As they approach the exciting (and a little scary) milestone of parenthood, financial stress has become a real concern. Between the high cost of living, the upcoming expenses of raising a child, and their need to save for the future, she wishes her partner would take a more comprehensive approach to their finances. But being the practical type, his focus remains on advancing his career and expanding his AI side hustle.
Now comes Hannah’s real challenge: how to soften his approach and invite him into dreaming and discussing their future without it feeling like a burden. As two IT professionals with similar backgrounds but contrasting personalities, it’s hard for either to step outside their comfort zones when it comes to money talks.
Hannah isn’t just focused on the numbers. She’s also thinking about the bigger picture. She wants connection, partnership, and clarity as they enter this new chapter of life. She doesn’t want to go through the unknowns of parenthood alone. She wants to feel secure in their finances and relationship, knowing they have a clear, aligned plan to meet their goals, tackle uncertainties, and ensure both of their needs are met. It’s not just about money. It’s about building a future that reflects both of their dreams and values.
Why Financial Conversations Are Particularly Hard
Sometimes, talking about money in relationships can feel like trying to defuse a bomb. One wrong word and things can blow up! That’s because financial conversations are rarely just about dollars and cents. When someone gets upset about money, they’re often not just upset about the immediate issue (the tip of the iceberg). There is a lot more going on underneath, like frustration, stress, past problems, and things that led up to it. Emotions can take over, making it easy to get angry, defensive, or even shut down completely.
To make things worse, when we’re on the listening side, it’s tempting to jump straight into “fix-it” mode, offering solutions before our partner has even finished sharing. We want to save the day. But if someone feels unheard, ignored, brushed aside, or isolated, the real issues may stay buried and resentment can start to build. Most people won’t open up about what’s truly bothering them unless they feel safe and understood. So, while it might seem like you’re just talking about a purchase or a bill, these conversations are really about building trust and creating a space where both of you feel valued.
Figure 1: The Art of Not Listening
Have you had one of those moments when you are upset and just want your partner to really listen, hoping for a simple nod or a gentle word while you pour your heart out? Instead, your partner interrupts with, “Here’s what you should do,” and suddenly a list of solutions takes over the conversation. In that moment, you might feel invisible, as if your emotions are shortcomings to be fixed rather than simply understood. The air gets heavier, voices sharpen, and what started as a plea for understanding becomes a tense and disappointing exchange. Instead of comfort, both of you end up feeling unheard, unappreciated, and strangely far apart, even though all you wanted was to connect.
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Hannah shared with me a moment that really stuck with her, one of those everyday conversations that reveals deeper feelings. One evening, after a long and draining day at work, she came home frustrated and just wanted to vent. She turned to her husband, Matt, and said, “Can you believe it, the price of gas is now $4.27 a gallon!” But before she could even catch her breath, he jumped in with, “Was it at Costco? It’s usually 35 cents cheaper there.”
But here’s the thing—Hannah’s frustration wasn’t really about the gas price. It was the culmination of a day filled with stress. She’d been dealing with a bug at work (remember, she’s in IT) that she thought she had fixed, only to find out it wasn’t resolved. The commute was terrible, and a driver cut her off in stop-and-go traffic, almost causing an accident. By the time she got to the gas station, the price hike felt like the last straw.
What Hannah truly needed wasn’t a solution; it was simply to be heard. She wanted the space to express how everything had piled up and to feel understood, not to have someone fix it for her. Instead, Matt immediately went into problem-solving mode, thinking that by pointing out a cheaper gas station, he’d quickly resolve the situation. However, he missed an opportunity to connect with her on a deeper level and to help her process the emotions she was carrying from the entire day.
The truth is, she wasn’t asking for a solution. She wasn’t looking for a way to save money on gas. What she wanted was for him to see that the stress she was feeling wasn’t just about the price of fuel, but the emotional weight of everything else that had been happening. Behind that frustration were larger issues: the strain of a tight budget, the uncertainty of job security, and the self-doubt that often creeps in when she feels like she’s falling behind on both her dreams and the needs of her growing family.
It wasn’t about the solution. It was about being listened to.
While Matt’s intention was to help, he missed the opportunity to truly connect with Hannah. He didn’t take the time to understand what was truly bothering her beneath the surface. Jumping straight into problem-solving instead of listening is a common trap in financial and emotional conversations, particularly when things feel overwhelming.
What’s Really Going On
Ever had a conversation where you felt like your partner just wasn’t hearing you? Maybe it wasn’t that they weren’t listening, but rather that they were listening to respond—ready with a solution or trying to fix things before you even finished speaking. This happens all the time, especially when the topic is something as sensitive as money. Financial stress can bring out personal fears, insecurities, or external pressures, and if we’re not really listening, we miss the full picture.
Now, let’s add another layer to the challenge: pause and listen to yourself. I know, it sounds a little deep, right? But it’s vital! When we’re emotionally triggered (like during a heated discussion about money), it’s easy to react immediately, often without fully understanding why we’re upset. The trick is to pause, step back, breathe (possibly try to mimic your partner’s breathing pattern for a few seconds to develop empathy and be fully present with them), and separate your emotional response from the situation. Then, ask yourself: What’s really bothering me here?
This is where real growth begins! Imagine being your own guide, taking the time to truly listen to your thoughts and feelings, then digging deeper to understand what’s really going on beneath the surface. It’s not easy, but the more you practice, the better you become at recognizing what you need and why you react the way you do. This kind of self-awareness can change not only how you connect with others but also how you treat yourself.
Making a habit of checking in with yourself is one of the most powerful things you can do. It helps you grow stronger, feel more connected, and build the kind of life and relationships you really want.
It Takes Two
Okay, now return your attention to your partner. It’s hard enough to listen to ourselves, but listening to our partner with active care can be an even bigger challenge, especially when emotions run high. The key is to create space to process feelings together, rather than jumping in with an immediate fix. There’s no rush here, and you can take turns, like we do in the exercise at the end of this chapter. Let your partner speak freely about their frustrations or concerns, and you get the chance to listen without judgment. When both of you participate in this exchange, magic happens.
This is where you and your partner start to grow closer, helping each other understand your feelings and what really matters, creating a space where you both feel heard, loved, and supported. Active listening isn’t about fixing or solving—it’s about understanding and being present. This is the first step to the real solution. It’s the foundation for better decision-making, especially about money. If you and your partner can listen with empathy, you will have a much stronger emotional and financial connection, allowing you to tackle challenges together and build the future you both dream of.
Growing Closer
Here’s the good news: You already have the best asset to unlock growth and connection—each other. A trusted partner who listens without judgment and reflects your thoughts back to you can help you see what you really need and give you strength and clarity. When you share feelings and needs, it’s also easier to understand and support your partner. And the best part? You can then focus on what truly matters.
In relationships, especially when it comes to discussing finances, having a partner who listens with patience and care is priceless. It’s about creating a safe space for each person to express their feelings, process emotions, and understand the deeper motivations behind their actions.
When you and your partner listen to each other this way, you build deep trust. That trust becomes the strong foundation for aligning your dreams and financial goals, bringing you closer than ever. By opening up and truly listening with care, you unlock the wisdom to make smarter money decisions together. Exploring what truly motivates you helps reveal your fears, hopes, and aspirations. This helps you create a bright financial future that fits both of you perfectly.
Figure 2: Listen Up, Then Lift Up
What If Matt Responded Differently?
Let’s go back to Hannah and her husband for a moment. Here’s where things could have gone differently. Matt immediately jumped in with a solution, “Oh, was it at Costco? It’s usually 35 cents cheaper there!” Imagine if instead he had paused for a moment and responded with both feeling and presence. Using a simple, heartfelt structure we’ll explore in later exercises, he could say: “That’s crazy! I’m surprised too. But mostly, I’m just happy you’re home.”
By doing this, he would have taken a step back and realized there might be more to Hannah’s frustration than just the gas price. He could have given her space to express her emotions without rushing in with unsolicited advice. Knowing that one of her primary love languages is physical touch, he could have also reached out for a hug and said, “How was your day?”
This simple response would have given Hannah the space she needed to release her emotions and process her day. Only after that could they address what could be done about the gas price, or anything else that was bothering her.
When I mentioned this idea to Hannah, her face lit up with excitement. She smiled and said, “Ah, I get it now! Maybe next time, instead of just complaining about the gas price, I could just say, ‘I had a really bad day, I need a hug!’”
Hearing her response, my heart filled with delight. It wasn’t just a realization for her—it was a shift. Hannah was becoming her own active listener, tuning into what she truly needed emotionally, instead of reacting impulsively to the day’s frustrations. By taking a moment to process her feelings, she was able to clearly identify her needs and express them in a calm, direct way. She would also give her husband the chance to respond in the most loving and supportive way possible in the future. And that, my friends, is a win.
She laughed and added, “This is such an amazing realization! I’m going to tell him as soon as I get home. When I say, ‘Please say you love me,’ or ‘Give me a hug,’ I’m not being needy or simply seeking attention. I’m trying to gather warmth and strength from him so I can cheerfully face the challenges for the rest of the day!”
I couldn’t be prouder of her. It was a beautiful moment of growth for both of them. Hannah had learned to recognize her own needs, and her husband now had the chance to support her in a way that would strengthen their bond. This moment perfectly illustrates how love, understanding, and active listening can transform even the most mundane situations into opportunities to grow closer.
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Good stuff, huh?
Stay tuned as we’ll be sharing the second half of this chapter soon.
