I recently wrote 10 Strategies for Staying Socially Connected Without an Office: The ESI Guide to Avoiding the “Loneliness Trap”, a post about the importance of staying socially connected in retirement — and some practical ways to make that happen.
A reader then left an amazing comment that was so good I wanted to make sure everyone saw it. After all, I know most readers don’t make it all the way through the comments. 🙂
Here’s what she said:
When I retired my co-workers asked if I thought I would be bored in retirement. My response was that I needed two retirements to do all I wanted to do because I already had a lot of hobbies I wanted to pursue more deeply.
We moved to a new state in 2020 and 3 weeks after arriving the world shut down due to COVID. That was an interesting time! We moved to a planned community that would eventually provide the gym, the community center, bar and dining establishment and social opportunities but even during the following months we managed to get connected.
The Genealogy Group held online Zoom meetings monthly and I later met one of the participants in person, recognizing him on the walking trails. Getting involved with the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) has given me connections with new friends.
A nearby Newcomers group held online meetings and I connected with an Equine Therapy farm that works with youth facing physical or emotional challenges. As things opened up I volunteered there and still have weekly sessions. The built in community aspect of where we live has led to many friendships and opportunities to socialize.
I am now in two Bible Study groups, one is a larger group of 40 – 70 and the other is a more intimate group of 7 ladies meeting at a neighbor’s home. I got involved in helping launch a Makers Space that fed my creative interest (stepped down from the board when it was becoming too much like running a business and less about creating art).
My husband and I went to a fascinating 12 week course at the Sheriff’s Department that covered learning about all of the divisions and what they did. That led to our joining the Community Emergency Response Team where we are trained in skills to assist as back-up to emergency services in large emergency situations and we also help man warming or cooling shelters and educating the community in preparedness. It also led my husband to become a volunteer emergency responder, assisting the fire department on calls for medical assistance.
One area I did not see mentioned in your list is Community Theatre. My husband found that he enjoys acting, of all things! We have made some good friends through that and it definitely keeps us connected with a younger crowd. He even convinced me to take an Improve class with him which was fun. He is also now on the board for a men’s coffee club with about 100 people that meet monthly for a buffet breakfast and a speaker. (They like to refer to it as the Bacon Club because the men get to load up on bacon away from the disapproving eyes of their spouse).
We don’t have children and our small circle of brothers, nieces and nephews are scattered around the world so building a friend network has been important to us.
My takeaways from my experience are:
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- It helped us to move to a community where many others are also new residents, looking to connect.
- Find opportunities where you are likely to see the same folks regularly to build on your connections.
- Have a few “next step” lines in your vocabulary. Best advice I heard long ago was to take the next step when you make a connection you want to continue by saying something about how you enjoyed the conversation and suggest meeting for coffee, lunch, drinks, dinner, workout, walking, whatever but let them know you want to get together intentionally.
In closing – you are now in the business of being retired so get yourself a business card. We have them with my info on one side and my husband on the other. Occupation is listed as Retired! Having a phone and email info handy helps us to stay in touch, and be prepared to ask for their contact info too.
That comment is worth a post all by itself, but it also left me wanting to hear more.
So I contacted her and asked if she would answer a few follow-up questions. My hope was that we could dig a little deeper into what she and her husband have done, what has worked best for them, and what other retirees can learn from their experience.
Thankfully, she agreed.
Here’s our conversation. My questions are in bold italics and her responses follow:
Before you retired, did you think intentionally about how you would maintain friendships and social connections?
We expected friendships and social connections would change but that was not a factor in our decision to move. It’s been a challenge to maintain close friendships and that takes effort. We do keep in touch with some of our past social connections via social media like Facebook or Instagram and celebrate milestones, grief, or just enjoying insight into daily activities.
One of our top criteria for our move was to find a planned community with amenities. My parents had lived in a similar community and activity boards listed things like “The Happy Eaters Club” that went out for lunch once a week, groups centered around having lived in a particular state, local excursions, book clubs, card games, etc. We made a conscious decision to seek a place that offered some built-in opportunities to socialize. Past experiences had shown us how it was harder to make friends in an area where the majority of established residents already had a busy social network.
The community we chose is a much smaller version of The Villages, in that we have a golf course, pickleball and tennis courts, boating, pools, fitness center, a clubhouse with restaurants and bars, etc.
What parts of your social life disappeared when you stopped working, and did anything about that transition surprise you?
It was not a great change. I had “work friends” but we did not socialize outside of work. My husband’s situation was similar.
The move to a new state, and COVID, had a greater impact on a disappearing social life.
My retirement coincided with our move and my husband had intended to keep working but the COVID restrictions and a few other things made him realize that he really did not need to keep working and that he had inadvertently retired.
You moved to a new state immediately before COVID. What were your first steps toward meeting people under those difficult circumstances?
We were in our new home for three weeks before the world shut down. First steps were just to get out and explore our new community.
A large part of our decision to buy a home here was just how friendly everyone was. They introduced themselves at the clubhouse bar, invite you to join the pickleball club, ask where you’re from, or just wave and say hello on a walking trail.
The local Genealogy group was doing Zoom meetings where I “met” folks and other localized social media platforms offered other opportunities that led to in-person meetings when things opened up.
What did you and your husband do to avoid simply waiting for other people to include you?
We got out of the house and just talked to folks. Say something, say anything!
Floating at the pool on a Sunday afternoon – “The water’s warm, come on in!” Someone sits next to you at the clubhouse bar – “We just moved here, how long have you lived here?”
More often than not, they’ll continue the conversation. It may lead to meeting someone you’ll build a friendship with or just be a pleasant conversation.
How did you move from meeting people casually to actually forming friendships?
That just seemed to evolve. For the most part the friendships developed when we saw the same people repeatedly but there are those times when you just hit it off with someone and make plans to do something together.
Adverse situations were another unique thing that led to friendships. During the aftermath of Hurricane Helene, with extended power outages, the neighbor with a whole house generator opened her doors and several neighbors on our cul-de-sac gathered to charge phones and socialize, bringing us all closer together.
Take-away here – reach out to neighbors it you’re in a position to help or just want to get to know them better.
Of all the activities you’ve tried, which have been the most effective for developing genuine relationships, and why?
I think the one thing common among the activities is that they involve shared interests.
Casual encounters are hit or miss and may uncover a shared interest but are more likely just a nice social conversation. With a shared interest, whether it’s golf, tennis, knitting, genealogy, playing cards or bible study, you’re more inclined to find that bond that leads to a closer friendship.
You said it helps to find opportunities where you’ll see the same people regularly. Why is repeated contact so important?
When you see someone regularly it gives both of you a chance to continue growing that connection.
You won’t always find out right away what you have in common. You need to go beyond the superficial chatter.
When you’re both comfortable enough to open up and share more about yourself it plants the seeds for growing that relationship.
What specific “next step” lines do you use when you meet someone who you’d like to know better?
Just be prepared to suggest getting together again.
Tell them you’ve enjoyed chatting and would like to continue the conversation. Ask when they usually come there, or if they are “regulars.” Ask if they want to meet for coffee the following week. Ask about local restaurants and suggest going together. Tell them you’re going hiking and ask if they’d like to join you.
Be prepared to be the one to follow up too, and arrange the plans.
How has volunteering helped you form relationships while also giving you a sense of purpose?
My volunteer work with an equine therapy center has given me a great sense of purpose as I see how much it helps the young folks in the program. Some of the stories of how equine therapy has turned around lives for children, and soldiers, bring tears to my eyes. My relationships here have been more of a “workplace” relationship, but very meaningful.
Other volunteer work has built friendships based on common interests. Those can be slower to develop, but honestly, partly because I am so busy now that I have not been the one to reach out to take any connections to the next step. I’m busy enough maintaining current friendships!
What did you learn from stepping away from the makers space board when it began feeling too much like running a business?
It’s OK to say NO. It is easy to get over-volunteered and lose sight of what you wanted to do for yourself and your family when you retired.
Put your volunteer time into what is meaningful to you. I found that being on the board of the makers space felt like a burden rather than bringing me joy and it was time to move on.
When asked to volunteer for something now I consider how it fits into my own goals and desires. When it doesn’t fit, I just decline and tell them I am over-volunteered at the moment and am cutting back on current obligations.
How important is trying unexpected activities, as your husband did with community theater and acting?
This is your chance to try new things.
Before we moved here, I convinced my husband to try curling (yes, that sport where you slide stones on ice, and sweep!). We joined a curling club and our decision to move to our new home was partly driven by seeking a location with a curling club nearby. We found it was social, physically challenging, strategic, and included members from 13 to 80.
My husband was encouraged to audition at a community theater after we attended a magic show there and he told them he did not mind if the magician called him on stage. He found he enjoys the theater, memorizing lines challenges his mind and we’ve made a wide range of friends of all ages. We were invited to a sweet 16 birthday party because he reminded her of her grandfather. We are motivated to attend more shows when we know and want to support someone that was in another show with him.
Bible Study was new to me and it has brought me closer to other women and helped me grow spiritually.
Get out and try something new. You’ll grow and learn more about yourself.
How much of your social life do you and your husband share, and how much do you pursue separately?
We share a lot of our social life but I encourage both of us to pursue individual interests too. We don’t know what the future holds and it’s important to have a sub-set of activities and friendships that are not dependent on being a couple.
We also take advantage of ways we can share parts of our individual interests. You won’t find me performing on stage but I did volunteer at the theater with administrative and website work for awhile and did take an improv class with him which was fun.
He is a volunteer as an emergency medical responder with the local fire department and I go with him to their social events. He does the same when my interest groups meet for social events.
What questions should people ask when evaluating whether a neighborhood or retirement destination will support the social life they want?
Ask yourself – Are the people friendly, are there multiple venues and paths to meet others?
Do some soul-searching to define what do you want from retirement. Are you looking for golf, hiking, theater, and the arts? Are you interested in local politics or an avid foodie that likes to dine out? You need to know what you’re interested in and make sure it’s available.
Beyond that, what is the nature of the immediate neighborhood and the larger region, what is the age range? If everyone else is pushing strollers and putting youngsters on the school bus, you’ll find it harder to make connections.
When the area has a lot of newcomers or older residents, you’re likely to find others open to bringing new friends into their circle.
For people who don’t live in a planned community, how can they create similar opportunities where they currently live?
Look online – a simple inquiry on Google asking where can I volunteer in my nearby town returned a list of places via Google AI and questions asking for more info on my interests to give more answers.
Go searching in person. Check with your local Chamber of Commerce for a list of charitable organizations. Libraries often have programs, bulletin boards with community events, etc. Talk to the librarians and ask them about volunteer opportunities or book clubs.
Go to small hobby-related stores. Our local knitting store has a Sit and Knit group. The local store selling bird seed, feeders, etc. has a bird watching group. Go to the local store selling outdoor gear and ask about hiking groups.
If you’re comfortable using social media look for local groups for the town or region and ask about hobbies and activities you’re interested in pursuing.
Go to a coffee shop, ice cream parlor, bar or music venue, local church and just start talking to folks. This past week I was sat at a table in the Costco food court and the woman at the next table looked at me and said with a chuckle “We were just here last week, eating!” That led to a conversation about living an hour away, how long we’d lived there, where we were from, and that they moved from the same area a much longer time ago.
Make your own opportunities by putting yourself out there.
Suppose someone recently retired, has few interests outside work, and knows almost no one nearby. What actions should that person take to connect with others?
First and foremost, before and after retiring, really do some soul-searching on what you might enjoy. Look back at what you enjoyed in your past that you gave up or let fall by the wayside.
Think broadly on the nature of your personality. Do you enjoy being outside in nature, are you a “watcher” or “participant,” a leader or follower, a creative soul or a teacher and mentor? This is What Color is your Parachute for Retirement! Use this as your roadmap to seek out opportunities.
Start by talking to people, find an activity that forces interaction or sits you next to someone that encourages conversation.
Look for interests that get you out of the house – go watch a little league baseball game, community music event, practice talking to others, compliment the cashier at the supermarket, ask for help at the garden center. Find a church, a civic group, a volunteer opportunity.
You’ll get to be more comfortable with starting conversations that lead to connections.
